okay, it’s happening. I’m no longer just “23-and-a-half.” in fact, the “half” mark passed by a while ago…and I’m now less than one month from turning 24.
thus returns the struggle for contentedness. last year, around graduation, I had this struggle for the first time. probably because I was graduating college and could “now leave” if I “wanted to.” and the most prevalent thought in my mind was, “now, allea, you can only be 23 for one year of your life. where do you want to be?” — haunted by the following thought: “…in Lincoln where you’ve already been for a while, or in some big, exciting city, like New York City or Chicago?”
but, after assessing my love for Lincoln (seriously, that post took an hour to write), I’m more than okay with where I am going to be for Year 24. (and I hope to stick around for Year 25, 26…)
that addresses my physical “where,” but what about my social “where”?
let’s start by admitting that I’m a little bit frustrated with 18-year-old Allea.
at 18, I thought I would “have it all together” (or at the very least “have some of it together) and be starting “that relationship” which would lead me to being married “by the time I’m 26” — when I was 24.
darn it, self! you set really high expectations for Year 24!
let’s admit it, though. at 18, 24 seemed like light years away! a lot could happen in 6 years (holy crap, 6 years!) and it didn’t seem too far-fetched. but now that I’m turning 24, I need to confess my unmet expectations to myself and forgive 18-year-old me for setting a timeline only God can control. I guess I set these benchmarks because I needed to be okay with being single in college — as if all of these desires would come to fruition after college, then all would be made well.
no, allea. that’s not how it works.
but changing my mindset to not include timelines is weird for me. my whole life has been a matter of whens/wheres/whos/hows. setting a syllabus for when the “next phase” will occur will only deter my ability to live in the now.
so I won’t. no more “by the time I’m _____” goals related to relationships. I want to love my world as it is now. I want to love myself as the conveniently single girl who can accomplish a lot of personal goals to better herself for the rest of her life.
24 will be a lot more than “hoping” for “mr. right.” and sorry to anyone who wants to know more about my dating life as a conversation point. I won’t go to the “pity Allea here” zone. it hurts my self-esteem to see singleness as a burden, plus it does no one any good. this is a good time in my life. a great time. I can be flexible with my days, read late into the night, watch an incessant number of music videos and celebrity interviews on youtube, get into the best physical shape of my life, learn to cook meals that are good for me, sleep in absolute silence, and travel anywhere on the globe. this is a great time in my life.
24 is going to be awesome.